My child was born nearly three and a half years ago at the birthing unit of North Hawaii Community Hospital. Although I have taught children for many years, the night that my daughter was born was also the birth of my new life as a father. In the morning, as the sun rose behind Mauna Kea, I lay on the bed in room 205 of the birthing center with my newborn child sleeping on my chest. I distinctly remember coming to a realization — making a sort of unspoken promise: “You, dear daughter, have come at last! You’re here! And as your dad, from here on out, my work is to protect you. And I will. To the best of my ability, I surely will.”
While that reads back as sort of corny, I suspect that other fathers reading this who have been deeply involved in the birth of their children have felt this sort of account of our human nature: our human love.
We raised our beautiful daughter at our homestead up on an acre of hand-cleared ‘ohia forest. As I had begun developing this property and building this home fifteen years ago, the fruit trees have matured and the home is rather fine-tuned and debt-free. Attachment-style parenting and the good fortune to have ample time to participate in my daughter’s life, coupled with our island’s exceptional environment, meant that she has thrived.
However, as parents of a two-year-old child will not find surprising; life at home entails considerably more dirty diapers, meal preparation, napping strategies, baby-activities, baby-bathing, and storybook reading, than it does composing endless love poems or any of the other delights of romance. Upon one of the many trips that I’d encouraged my partner to take to visit her parents in the Midwest, she chose to have an affair with a married practicing licensed clinical social worker. Both participants further stated to me that they were “profoundly in love with each other”. That, at best, struck me as a very real complication to what had been our very together and functional little family. My child’s mother’s decision to have an affair was hardly aligned with my child’s best interests. And yet, this certainly wasn’t a ‘deal-breaker’ as far as I was concerned and we attended counseling sessions in Hilo to try and resolve our problems — to heal as a family.
As I’ve written of the circumstances following this sequence of events (see: Letters — An Open Letter To Prosecuting Attorney Mitch Roth, About Custodial Interference), I’ll try to not be redundant. Where that post left off was: myself faced with paying half of a ten thousand dollar custody evaluation as determined in the Family Court, as well as my effort to seek justice for my daughter and me through law enforcement. I contend that when her mother chose to retain our daughter at her parents’ home, contrary to our agreement that she and our daughter were visiting with a very definite itinerary to return to Hawaii; by any reasonable interpretation of Hawaii statutory law HRS §707-726, she committed custodial interference, a felony violation meant to deter such an abuse of a child/parent bond.
From the beginning of this ordeal, I have been very clear to all involved that it is not at all in my child’s best interest for her mother to go to prison. Hawaiian law, particularly the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), recognizes this and provides for law enforcement of such family abuse violations, while at the same time minimizing further trauma to the child and parent. My child ideally needs both parents highly cooperative in her upbringing.
To update me and my daughter’s situation: I’ve raised the five thousand dollars and I await the evaluation of me, my home, and of my parenting. Whether disproving the false allegations will lead to my child being returned, I really don’t know. Unfortunately, for the portion of the evaluation whereby my daughter will temporarily return to Hawaii — where our parent/child relationship is evaluated — we are apparently expected to repair our bond in a matter of weeks, after these 15 months of forced estrangement. All I can do is hope that this is not yet another burden that has been successfully shifted onto me and my daughter through this improper taking of my child.
“Your child wasn’t taken.”
This was the justification that the deputy prosecutor gave me for why he believes that a violation of custodial interference hasn’t occurred. Additionally, he indicated to me that I “gave my consent” to my child being taken from her home and father in Hawaii some fifteen months ago when I drove my child and her mother to the Hilo airport to see them off on an agreed upon visit to my child’s maternal grandparent’s home. For Hawaii Island parents with concerns of such a scenario occurring in their children’s lives take note: You drive your partner and your child to the airport. You send them off on a visit to the mainland. You find out later you were tricked and that they aren’t returning as planned. Your child wasn’t taken and you gave your consent. This is apparently the status quo in Hawaii county.
My daughter and I have now essentially served a sentence amounting to the two of us being entirely separated from one another for over one-third of her life. What I don’t understand is why some type of evaluation could not have been made initially to verify the utter falsity of the allegations that were made to oppose my motion that my child be returned. Surely drug-testing me and inspecting my home could have been done much more easily, but more importantly, with much less injury to my daughter’s and my bond as well as the financial drain on our family’s economy.
Hawaii statutory laws of custodial interference are in place to avoid this type of abuse. Not acknowledging violations of this law rewards the violator and punishes the victims, often including innocent children such as my daughter.
To members of our community who have expressed their sympathies and have shared their mana’o concerning me and my child’s crises; your thoughts and help is deeply appreciated. Mahalo.
Anonymous
March 11th, 2013 at 6:39 pm
On Feb.2, 1992, i was in delivery room at Hilo Medical Center with an overdue wife to receive our daughter decked out in a throw away gown and all the rest after having done all the la maze training I shall never regret.
It likely was the best day of my adult life when a nurse in green scrubs handed me our child I wanted and helped to create. It was a crowning moment never to be forgotten.
March 11th, 2013 at 6:59 pm
… “the best day of my adult life” Hugh says.
Yep, he was there.
On June 25 1981, September 18, 1983, and October 17, 1986, I was there, also.
Being a father really is about more than how much money you can come up with for your child. Really. Do the courts get that?
March 11th, 2013 at 8:29 pm
One of the magnificent things about children is the bridges they build in our community regardless of the walls we adults often insist on living behind. James — while you may or may not recall me or my daughter; at a (sustainability-themed) party one afternoon, the same daughter thought your resplendent beard worthy of distinction as her first-ever to take a healthy tug at, as only a one-year old can! Don’t know if that counts as bridge-building exactly but it’s remarkable the ways that our children connect community. Apparently we also share in the fact that October 17th is to us forever graced as the birthday of our respective children.
March 12th, 2013 at 5:39 pm
Thanks for sharing the ruling on “being taken.” Ouch!
This interpretation gives the green light and the reward to parents who lie to and defraud their spouses. So you cannot leave with the child if you openly admit what you are doing, but it’s OK if you trick the other parent?
My DIL did this to my son. She took my grandson to the mainland for a family reunion and was supposed to be gone three weeks. She packed what she wanted to keep, knowing what she was doing. She communicated only after putting him in a new school.
As I shared with you before, we got no help from the police. The Law Practice of Michael Zola brought him back by court order, after eight months of separation.
Luckily for us, Hawai’i County family court had no problem with issuing an ex parte court order that did not require any prior communication with the mother, empowering my son to retrieve his child, instructing the police on the mainland to assist him if necessary, and giving him full custody pending a hearing.
What was the basis for the court’s order? She had committed custodial interference in that court’s eye, by keeping the child away from his father and Hawai’i. The question of whether the father allowed her to get on the plane was not viewed as a consent for anything other than the agreed on visit of three weeks.
To use a somewhat flawed analogy for the sake of arguement, when we loan someone our car and hand them the keys, we aren’t giving them the car. If they don’t bring it back when they said they would, then they’ve stolen the car, right? Even if the other person co-owns the car, they don’t suddenly become sole owners after taking it for a spin.
How is it that if we let our kids get on a plane that we are consenting to not seeing them again? It makes no sense. So parents should stop allowing children to leave the state to visit their grandparents, for fear they won’t be able to get them back? That would be a sad way for us to live, in paranoia.
For my son, the custody battle itself was not resolved by the Court Order. What the Order ensured was the Hawai’i Court’s jurisdiction over the case, and that the child would be back with his father during the custody proceeding. That the custody battle would be on home ground, where it would have been if the other parent had properly filed for divorce and not absconded. (Ultimately the father was in a position to get full custody, but agreed to full physical custody and joint legal custody in order to get the divorce finalized without a trial.)
I am so sorry that you have been stuck with what sounds like a battle full of ugly allegations, meanwhile separated from your daughter.
Even though I am a mother, I do not believe that the mother has any right to treat the father like a lesser parent. Both bonds are sacred. I wish you all luck!
March 12th, 2013 at 8:22 pm
Thank god my mom got in a car and drove off with me and left my abusive father in California when I was three when the cops wouldn’t do anything to protect her at the time!
March 13th, 2013 at 12:41 am
Damon,
it’s an affirmative defense when the mother is fleeing an abusive situation.
See (2)
http://www.capitol.hawaii.gov/hrscurrent/Vol14_Ch0701-0853/HRS0707/HRS_0707-0726.htm
The custodial interference law didn’t exist when you were three; I’m sure there are quite a few laws pertaining to abuse that didn’t exist at that time.
daughter’s father, I don’t understand why the act didn’t fall under “detain” even though “taken” was rejected.
“(c) The person, in the absence of a court order determining custody or visitation rights, intentionally or knowingly takes, detains, conceals, or entices away a minor with the intent to deprive another person or a public agency of their right to custody, and removes the minor from the State.”
The statute has funky syntax, but surely the legislative intent would include removing minor from the state and then detaining and/or concealing the minor and preventing his or her return/recovery.
March 13th, 2013 at 10:57 am
Kathy,
Thank you for the very relevant input. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term: “gaslighting” (whereby information is presented to the victim with the intent of making him/her doubt his/her own perceptions). The term derives from a fascinating theatrical play and its film adaptations. It’s also a form of psychological abuse that ought to be recognized by folks concerned with critical-thinking skills as essential to a healthy democracy — which of course entails healthy communities and families: healthy children. From the beginning of this ordeal, I have been subjected to such attempts to manipulate. No doubt, “gaslighting” happens all of the time. However, in the instances that I cite, it is all the more egregious when ulterior agendas harm our children. As a teacher, it seems to me that what most often does the greatest damage to our keiki are the various agendas (hidden or otherwise) that are in place for the convenience of adults.
The married practicing licensed clinical social worker who inserted himself into our family’s fate? Concurrent to gratifying himself in the affair, he provided counseling materials (alongside love poems) to support his agenda of maintaining his “profound love” with a gal thirty-two years his junior: convenient for him, much less so for my toddler.
My child’s maternal grandmother is employed as a child victim advocate at the prosecutor’s office in the location where my child was retained. Her boss and longtime close friend serves as the director of victim/witness services. The boss’s husband is the chief of staff for the prosecutor. I’ve visited with these people on various occasions, as they are very close with my ex’s family. Our most recent meeting was when I accompanied my family to their residence to celebrate the occasion of the then recent birth of their granddaughter. My child’s grandmother is now assuming the role of one of the caretakers of my child while retained in the Midwest. However, both of her superiors in their respective expertise as employees of the Prosecutor’s Office would seem to be able to offer insight as to their personal and professional assessment of me both as a man and as a father. As they are public officials charged with very specific ethical duties, it is perhaps something to ponder. However, to be clear, my one and only agenda at this point is to have my child rightfully returned to her home in Hawaii. I leave it to others to conjecture about whether these agendas are motivated by what is right for my little girl.
A closing observation I’ll share is that: the attorney who these “health professionals” have retained — indeed the one advocating for the further dissolution of me and my child’s entirely healthy and essential bond — through perjurious allegations of my parental inadequacy, drug use, and my modest income as a teacher — he’s on the State Board of Education and the Hawaii County Salary commission.
As my father — who is on the losing side of Alzheimer’s, and who has also been unjustly deprived of his rightful relationship to his granddaughter — would say:
How do you like them apples?